Superman Returns (2006) | The Dangers of Nostalgia Pandering

Introduction

Usually I'd do a long string of context-building for the review. But this film starts with only three sentences, so I will to. This is Superman Returns.

Production

I think it goes without saying that Superman IV was not exactly the trailblazing success that Canon and Warner had hoped. Eventually the rights landed squarely with Warner, with both the Salkinds and Canon out of the franchise forever. And what ensued was a TON of new projects that were brought up and promptly cancelled. Weirdly, nearly every single one of these projects involved the death of Superman. Even the Superman V script that predated the comic storyline of that title.

The next script (Superman Reborn) was very much based on that comic story, but ended up going through about 3 rewrites until eventually Kevin Smith (Creator of Clerks and an avid comic fan himself) took the reigns. Suddenly the project took a much darker shift, becoming the now infamous cancelled Superman film, Superman Lives. With issues including a convoluted script, outrageous marketing-focused demands by producer Jon Peters, Tim Burton taking the director's chair and shifting the film in a dark, alien direction with Nicolas Cage cast as Superman, and an eventual split between Burton and Peters. Once again, it was back to the drawing board.

Next JJ Abrams wrote a script known as Superman Flyby, though it was soon discontinued in favor of Akiva Goldsman's Batman vs Superman script. Until Abrams submitted a new Flyby script and the original BvS was abandoned (Though the casting of Batman was retained for Batman Begins. Bale was originally cast for that film). Directors McG and Brett Ratner ended up both being on and off with the project, with WB refusing to allow Abrams to direct the film himself. Actors chosen included Brendon Fraser as Superman and bizarrely enough Robert Downey Jr as Lex Luthor. Eventually both McG and Ratner dropped out, also due to issues with Jon Peters (Sensing a pattern here?). Ironically Ratner would essentially switch jobs with Bryan Singer, as the latter was set to direct X3 before taking over the new Superman film, while Ratner went on to direct X3.

Once again, it was back to the drawing board with Singer's original story pitch. Him and the X2 Script Writers eventually went on to write several drafts before getting approval, with early drafts referencing the 9/11 attacks. Eventually the film finally went into production, shooting in 2005 and releasing in 2006. With a budget ballooned by the production difficulties dating back to the 90s, the film had a heavy challenge to overcome with its box office, as well as a legacy to challenge with it promising to be a return to the roots of the Superman franchise. And well, they certainly meant that. For better and for worse.

Superman Returns Review

So we start out with a text message about how Superman left Earth for five years. Yep, it's that rushed out. It would've been great if we got to actually SEE that. Also if they had left in the simply BREATHTAKING Return to Krypton Scene that clearly was meant to open the film. Instead we get that, a really cool update of the old school credits to be fair, and then a scene of Lex Luthor inheriting an old woman's fortune for... exactly the reason you think (ewwwww). After that we get Clark crashing back to his farm in a Kryptonian ship. We then see an admittedly really good scene of Lex on a ship making a damn good speech that for once, ACTUALLY evokes comic Lex Luthor. We then see him get to the Fortress of Solitude and question crystals. Then we get a really hokey flashback of Clark as a kid (Because it wants to have origin story elements now?), before he finally goes back to the Daily Planet.

And we already have an issue, I just described almost 25 minutes of the film within one paragraph. Why? Because this film is ungodly drawn out. This is like the last 100 minutes of Superman 1 got stretched into 154 minutes. It's so tedious. This all should've been the first 10, maybe 15 minutes. Instead, it's about 16% of the entire film. Some other issues also show up immediately. One is the inconsistent setting. So this is supposed to take place 5 years after the Donner films, except the Donner films had typewriters, Vietnam references, and a 1978 atmosphere. This? This has computers, widescreen televisions, one reference to modern terrorism, and proto-smartphones. So it kind of raises questions there too. Another issue is that we only get one scene of Superman reacting to how the world's changed since he's been gone. Let's say this takes place summer 2006 or earlier. That would mean 9/11 happened RIGHT after he left. Does he react to that? Nope. Instead we get a pointless flashback with I'll just say it, hideous CG.

In fact, that's the other issue, this film is HIDEOUS. And I don't just mean bland like every Bryan Singer film (that isn't Days of Future Past), I mean hideous. The cinematography is painfully repetitive and slow (with minute-long shots of nothing and obnoxious wide-angle close-ups), the movement is often non-existent, and any chance of atmosphere is ruined by the utter garbage that is the color grading. It is abysmal. People tried to say Man of Steel was too muted? You even SEE Superman Returns? It looks like someone put a brown filter over the entire film. And the final nail in the coffin is the CG, which even for 2006 tends to look waxy and fake (With a few exceptions I'll note). At least John Ottman's score is really good.

So, moving on with the plot, he goes back to the Daily Planet and learns that Lois Lane is a mom now. Lois Lane also looks friggin 16. You see the casting in this film is hit-and-miss. Superman is cast, well, pretty perfectly. Brandon Routh looks so similar to Christopher Reeve that I was legit in awe of him the first time I saw this film. The actor cast for Olsen is really good too, in fact Olsen is infinitely more likable here for some reason. Yeah, I'm praising Jimmy Olsen... what is world? Kevin Spacey, him as a person aside, is a pretty good Lex Luthor. Though with one core issue I'll get to later. But some of the cast is horrible. Perry White is so sleepy-eyed and boring. And Kate Bosworth as Lois Lane is one of the worst casting choices in this entire franchise. She looks way too young, and has absolutely no resemblance to Margot Kidder. Oh and she's boring. Sensing a pattern? Any-who, him and Jimmy Olsen go get a drink at a bar (Olsen being again, a weirdly good friend. Why is this movie making me like Jimmy Olsen, you might get me to actually feel bad about him getting shot point blank in BvS?!) as Lex prepares the crystals. This causes a huge disturbance that causes the plane Lois is on (observing a shuttle launch) to go haywire. Clark runs into action, leading to the plane scene.

And credit, this sequence is pretty awesome. It's a little long for its own good, but if it was the only action sequence like that that'd be a nitpick. The CG actually manages to be alright if a little dated, the shots are creative, the score is fantastic, it's just a really cool scene. You know, AT ALMOST AN HOUR IN. The first scene of actual investment, and it's almost an hour in. Superman 1 hooked us through Krypton's atmosphere. II hooked us through the leads and the drama. MoS immediately grabs you with tons of cool action scenes before slowing down. This film takes FORTY MINUTES to get going. This should've been 20 minutes into the film AT MOST. Ugh. So he saves the plane and we get the big reveal. The world of course in no way questions where the hell he's been and accepts him with open arms and Lois faints after seeing him. The repeating really starts to get going here.

In the wreckage of Luthor's experiment, he has created a new form of land. Meanwhile, at the Daily Planet, Perry White wants them all to focus entirely on Superman, while Lois wants to investigate the electromagnetic pulse. Them reimagining Perry White as being more opportunistic and willing to let a legitimate story go never sat well with me. At the same time Clark meets Lois' son, a charming little boy named Jason, who has a whole mess of conditions including asthma, and Lois' husband Richard. A pilot who loves horror movies. That's literally how Lois exposits his background to Clark. It's that lazy. Lois' new family is the most underused part of this movie. Especially Jason given the "totally not super freaking obvious" twist. But we cut away from that to Lex Luthor, angry that Superman has returned. Luthor decides to go steal some Kryptonite because first movie. Clark and Lois get stuck in a revolving door because first movie. Clark gives his bullcrap excuse to Lois that "it was too hard to tell her" he was leaving. Yep, Superman never even said goodbye. The we get probably the most controversial scene in the film. After Lois returns home, Superman follows and spies on her. Not only is this scene really awful and makes Superman out to be a stalker, but it's also entirely pointless. It adds nothing, and the dialogue between Lois and Richard isn't particularly interesting either. It's just Lois telling more lies. She's already lying enough in the movie, why do we need this scene?

Luckily it is followed by a really great scene. Clark recalling Joe-El's words about how he can show humans the way as he flies into space, looking over the world and listening to all the cries of people in the world. Then we cut to an action scene with robbers fighting cops and Superman intercepting. Sounds short and simple, right? It's not. It's drawn out. We see the chase, and we see the robbers loading a helicopter, and we see them starting up a chain gun, and we see them firing on the police, and we see all of their long reactions. It's boring and slows down a scene that has a cool finish. Every scene in the film is like this. It's like Singer wanted to have a runtime larger than Superman 1, and didn't care how he got there. Also Singer uses more slow-mo in this one scene than Zack Snyder did in the entirety of Man of Steel and Batman v Superman, yet those films always get shit for having slow-mo in them. This film never gets the same BS. It does have a cool finale, with the bullet bouncing off of Clark's eye. We then get an intercut scene wherein Lex Luthor is stealing the Kryptonite while Superman is saving a woman (Who is actually Lex's bimbo in this film. I forget her name so I'll call her Falseve. Superman saves Falseve from her car spiraling out of control (Due to the brakes being dismantled), including an Action Comics #1 shot homage that frankly the new Superman & Lois show completely outdid. That said, I do like that we now get to see Lex stealing the Kryptonite, unlike Superman 1 where it happened completely off-screen in a really weird time-frame. But back to Superman saving her, it takes way too long with everyone watching and him just standing there for 30 seconds while holding a woman claiming to have heart palpitations. Lex successfully steals the Kryponite (Complete with an unnecessary zoom-in to show that it came from Addis Ababa because FIRST MOVIE), and Superman drops Fals- KATHERINE. Her name is Katherine, okay we're good. She tries hitting on him and he politely declines.

You know, I do like Routh in the role, but I don't like how it always seems like he's trying to get away from people. At least with Cavill who gets the same criticism, he's a controversial figure. He's conflicted, and even then we don't really see the interactions he has with people. Which is itself kind of an issue, but at least we can imagine he does maybe show some connection. With Routh they go out of their way to show him awkwardly trying to get away from people. And this is in a world where he's literally unanimously praised and accepted, not to mention this isn't a new Superman, this is Reeve five years later. We get Perry White chewing out Clark, Lois, and Jimmy (Oh yeah Jimmy's in this film) for not doing enough to report on Superman, and this is when Clark learns Luthor got out of prison. And he does legit look pissed off, for a second we see some genuine anger in him. Sadly this scene also turns Lois into a cheap sex joke with them joking about how she's "done Superman" and her being catty towards the girl in the picture. What's next, is Martha gonna say she's the "thirstiest reporter" they ever knew? Too soon? We then get another underused Lois son scene. Jason looks from Superman on the TV back to Clark (Even a kid's not stupid enough to be fulled by those glasses!).

More boring Lex stuff! Katherine chews him out for the brakes stunt, Lex begins refining Kryptonite. Pointless scenes. Then back to the Planet where they're discussing the blackout and Superman. Richard actually suspects Clark for a second (Damn that'd have been interesting to explore if the film didn't forget about it after this scene). We even get a "nice" scene between Clark and Lois. I use quotes because it's so clear how miscast Bosworth is. This is supposed to be Lois and Clark after a huge history together, but Bosworth looks 12 years old so it lacks impact. It doesn't help that she's just kind of bland. Routh, despite also being pretty young at the time, is trying his damndest to match Chris Reeve's style, and he's acting his heart out in this film. It's a shame he never got a continuation, he could've made a really great Superman. She goes to the roof to smoke and Clark changes to Superman and goes up there. He gives the BS excuse that the sentence gave us earlier (Because heaven forbid we get some of the actual character development from the previous films), and Bosworth continues to act blandly bitter (And frankly, her bitterness is earned given Superman left). Then we rip off the flying scene from the first film. Again. After Superman IV did it too. Only this time it's even more drawn out than either, filled with "okay" CG, shot with a brown filter, and has weird close-ups of Lois' feet (Now we know why Tarantino likes this film). We also get some abysmal dialogue like "I forgot how warm you are" (What's next, she tells him he smells good and he says death is itchy? Too soon?).

That said we do get some good dialogue from Routh. He says "you said people don't need a savior, but every day I hear people crying for one". That said there is a bit of weirdness in Clark straight up calling himself a savior. For as much as people whine about the Jesus symbolism in Man of Steel and BvS, it's always the world around Clark that calls him a savior, never Clark himself. In fact, it's what causes his "mopeyness" in BvS. The world wants to pretend he's either a savior or a demon, without seeing him as just the guy trying to do the right thing. Routh's Superman feels like a more somber take on Reeve's hubris. He does see himself as a savior, as above humanity. Not that he sees it as a bad thing, the way he sees it humanity and him need each other. It's just an interesting thematic difference I wanted to point out. Back to boredom. Flying scene ends, another close-up of feet, some bland dialogue. Lois mentions she can't leave Richard (Though as we know from Crisis... she does. Whoops), and Supes flies away. We get a "funny" scene wherein Richard accuses her of smoking and she lies (All Lois does in this film is lie!). More sleazy Perry White.

Next we see Clark return to the Fortress (Don't you think that should've been way earlier in the film?). Again, the Fortress is shot so poorly in this version, it looks so ugly. He finds the crystals gone and flies off. Next we get a montage of Lois investigating the blackout, and in doing so she forgets to pick up her son. So she gets Jason (Who is reasonably concerned that he was left all alone for so long. Lois is a terrible mother), and decides it's a great time to take her son with her to trespass on the property the blackout originated from. When she walks into the room with all the wigs, she realizes her mistake, but runs into Lex in the hallway. Her and her son are captured of course (Lois is a dumbass!). That said, I do like Lex with the toothbrush just going "Loish Laahne??". Again, Spacey gets some good deliveries. I like him more than Hackman. Clark and Richard team up to track her down as Lex explains the crystals to Lois. And then we get the only issue with Spacey. His motivation is still goddamn land! With all the improvements they made they still kept the stupidest part. His beachfront property obsession and his seeming pleasure over killing millions. He then reveals he has Kryptonite to stop Superman, and soon suspects Lois' son might be half-Kryptonian (Leading to a really funny understated background joke that I wouldn't ruin for anyone, it's actually hilarious). Also, NO FREAKING SH-... I'll get to that later.

As Clark and Richard keep trying to track down Lois, Lex launches some Kryptonite with the crystals into the Ocean to create his new landmass. Now, how much time would you guess would be left? 20? 30? Maybe 40 minutes? Nope. 65 MINUTES. Yep, there's an hour left of this film that is just the third act. My god. Why. Also Lois' computer password is "Superman". Why do people in movies always have easily guessable names for passwords? Why does nobody ever have a password like "tr!ppleXL360%&f0r3#4L5@1"? Jason goes to a piano on the boat and begins playing, and the guard for whatever reason joins in (I guess music really does bring people together). Lois tries writing coordinates and faxes them (Because there's a fax machine WHERE THEY"RE KEEPING HER?!) to the Planet. We get more drawn out shots of nothing as the ship's electronics begin blacking out, with the phenomenon hitting Metropolis as well. The continent begins to form. The guard attacks Lois and Jason reveals his strength by MURDERING HIM WITH THE PIANO. Okay one, that's kind of awesome. But two, Lois Lane's son just killed someone and that's not even acknowledged. Granted Superman II barely acknowledged when Lois killed Ursa so I guess it runs in the family. They lock them up in the brig and Jason suddenly doesn't want to use his strength for... no reason.

Superman is of course already on his way as he begins to notice the fissures in the Earth's crest. He chooses, instead of going to Lois, to go save the city. At the same time, Lex abandons the ship to go to the continent itself. We get more slow, boring buildup to the disaster about to strike. Again, like the plane scene, this would be fine if there wasn't so much of this in the film already. But disaster does strike. Metropolis is put in grave danger as everything goes to hell. Building windows shatter, cigars fall into the sewer and ignite the methane, all lights and electronics go haywire, etc.. But Superman manages to save the city and everyone in it in admittedly a pretty cool scene. Credit where it's due. Lex arrives at the New Krypton continent... which looks hideous. Krypton in Superman 1 was beautiful, why does this look like a turd? Anyway, the continent grows and punctures the ship, Lois and Jason still on board. Then Richard comes out of nowhere having flown there on his plane, meaning now he's trapped too. Oh no, guess they'll drown and die. No Superman of course comes to their aid and lifts them from the half of the ship. Even this takes for friggin' ever (And frankly, did we even need this at all? This climax already takes longer than two whole episodes of the George Reeves show strung together). But it has more of Superman... lifting things! Yeah that's basically all he does in this film. He lifts a plane, he lifts a car, he lifts a globe, he lifts a ship, and he lifts a rock.

He gets them to the plane and then heads to the continent, to Lex. Superman doesn't realize the entire continent he's on is Kryptonite until Lex pushes him. Somehow. This leads to a scene of Lex and his crew just sort of wailing on Superman. Lois convinces Richard to turn the plane around for Superman (Richard really is the only true hero in this film isn't he?). I do like how they emphasize how much hatred Lex has for Superman here. Hackman always felt like if given the chance, he'd capitalize on Superman. Like he only saw Superman as a conditional threat. Spacey here despises Superman to his core and it shows. Also Katherine only now decides to start having remorse for really no reason. Lex then takes the perfect Kryptonite shard and plunges it into Superman's side, breaking it off so that some stays in him. Superman then falls off into the ocean. More Jor-El recollections stir for some reason (In fact, this version really puts way too much emphasis on Jor-El. Johnathan Kent is more the reason he became Superman, why isn't he remembering him?).

Lois and Richard get to him and save him, with Lois pulling out the Kryptonite shard. Again, this too takes way too friggin long and includes a, no joke, scene of the plan nearly failing to make it out. That said, I do like how it's Lois that pulls Clark from death this time. We don't see nearly enough Lois saving Clark in these films. Clark then goes beneath the continent and lifts it up (Because he can apparently survive the Kryptonite now thanks to... the power of... love? Idk). Lex tries to get away, with Katherine disposing of the crystals along the way. Some of Lex's goons get crushed in the rubble, adding to the Reeve/Routh death count (Consider, Superman had no way of knowing they'd get off, and he lifts that thing into space. He fully planned on killing Lex by bringing him into the vacuum of space. Unless this is like Superman IV and he'd survive just fine). This all again, takes way too long with tons of unnecessary shots. Anyways, he lifts the rock into space, and lets himself float back down, presumed dead. A hospital operates on him (Which is a strange idea to me), but it's unknown if he's truly alive. Lois and Jason take off to get there as soon as they can (They let Lois in of course), with Lois confessing to Superman that Jason is of course, his son. No. Friggin'. Crap. This was the most telegraphed "twist" in any of these films. But it is a nice scene and the kid playing Jason is super adorable here (He even gives Clark a kiss on the forehead. My heart did cry out at that).

This rejuvenates him, as he visits Jason at night, reciting the words Jor-El once told him, with a new sense of meaning. Except not really because the theme of fatherhood was never really emphasized in this film. If anything, shouldn't this have been the one to have Nuclear Man so that Lex could have a "son" of his own? This should be epic, this should be the perfect extension of the Superman 1 - Donner Cut of II theme of "the son becomes the father, and the father, the son". He then leaves, meeting Lois on the way out, having again what should be a touching moment but is tainted by how little I care. Also Richard still doesn't know the truth and that really friggin bugs me (I feel so sorry for Richard, he's the only character in this film I truly like. And he's the one I know the least about too). He then flies out of the world to smile into the camera except the film is so hideous you can't even see the smile right. Thus ending Superman Retur- oh wait also Lex is on abandoned on a palm beach and tries to eat Katherine's dog. THAT ends Superman Returns.

Conclusion

So if you couldn't tell, this was a hard one to do. Superman Returns is not the worst Superman film, far from it. It's better than 3, better than 4, and a part of me even thinks it has more interesting ideas and a more solid tone focus than Lester's version of II. But it is, without a doubt, the most unpleasant. That's the word. Unpleasant. Drudging, dour, empty. Everything critics and "rEaL sUpErMaN fans" claimed Man of Steel was (Which it wasn't, more on that next time), was 100x worse in this film. So why then do the critics and so many supposed fans give this one a pass? If you ask me, it's because it sold them their nostalgia. Because yeah, in 2006? I totally fell for it too. It had Superman who looked like Reeve! And it had the classic score! And all that! But the nostalgia, weirdly enough, is what kills this film. The ultimate reason the film is so empty, so hollow, is that nostalgia. The film's reliance on rehashing Superman 1's plot gets in the way of the new ideas and characters. Leaving the film feeling like a hollow, unpleasant shell trying to look like the film we loved. Again, it's the last hour and a half of Superman 1 stretched to an ungodly 154 minutes with underused new characters, a bland Lois Lane, and stalking. Man of Steel and BvS actually have more levity and messages of hope in them than this film does, but because this one looked like people's nostalgia, they bought it up. Me included. But as I've grown from hating to adoring Man of Steel in the past 8 years, I've soured on this film more than almost any other Superman film. Because aside from 3, I would watch any other Superman film. 4 is worse, but it's far more entertaining in an ironic way. Superman Returns is, as many people before me have said, boring. And that's something you can't say about most Superman films.

I give Superman Returns a measly 6/10. And 2 of that is just for the fantastic score.

Next time, we finally go back to films I can gush about. We're gonna talk about the Modern Mythology of Man of Steel and also why it's actually a better modernization of Superman 1 than this film was. Oh boy, that one's gonna be controversial.